Fact-Checking and Connection: Navigating Relationships as Autistic Individuals
As autistic individuals, many of us naturally gravitate toward facts, logic, and precision. For some, this can manifest as a strong urge to fact-check, correct, or “police” others during conversations. While these behaviors often stem from our unique ways of processing the world, they can sometimes create challenges in social relationships. This article is not about masking or suppressing these behaviors but about fostering self-awareness and understanding how they affect both ourselves and others.
My Story: Discovering Social Rules and the Cost of Masking
When I was in graduate school, specializing in autism spectrum disorder, I discovered the PEERS Social Skills Training Manual by Dr. Elizabeth Laugeson. At the time, I felt like I had found a golden tablet—the “Bible” of social rules that would finally help me fit in. It outlined behaviors like “policing” and offered step-by-step strategies to improve social interactions.
I became obsessed, believing mastering these rules was the key to connection. What I didn’t realize then was that the manual—though created by an autistic author—unintentionally promoted masking, the suppression of natural autistic traits to appear more neurotypical. Masking often comes at the cost of authenticity, leading to higher rates of depression, anxiety, and even self-harm among autistic individuals.
Looking back, I wouldn’t recommend following this approach as I did. Instead, I now believe in promoting self-awareness and connection—understanding why we do what we do and finding ways to connect with others while staying true to ourselves.
Why Do Autistic Individuals Fact-Check or “Police”?
Fact-checking can be driven by multiple motivations tied to neurodivergent traits and cognitive styles:
• Love for Precision and Truth
Autistic individuals often thrive on accuracy. When something isn’t correct, it can feel like a puzzle piece out of place—a strong urge to “fix” or clarify arises.
•Sensory and Dopamine Highs
Correcting others or engaging in debates can provide a sense of satisfaction, even a dopamine rush. This mental stimulation is similar to physical stimming behaviors like rocking or hand-flapping and serves as a form of self-regulation.
•Perfectionism
Many autistic individuals hold themselves to high standards and may unintentionally project these expectations onto others, feeling compelled to correct inaccuracies.
•Reduced Theory of Mind
Theory of Mind refers to understanding that others have thoughts, feelings, and perspectives different from our own. This can be challenging for autistic individuals, making it difficult to recognize when others might value connection over correction.
•Social Communication Styles
Autistic communication often prioritizes directness and clarity, which can clash with the preferences of neurotypical individuals who value subtlety and flexibility in conversation. What feels natural to us may come across as dismissive to others.
How Fact-Checking Affects Relationships
While fact-checking isn’t inherently wrong, it can sometimes create disconnection:
1. Friendships and Peer Groups
Autistic children are often left out of peer groups because they enforce rules precisely, unintentionally frustrating peers who prefer flexibility during play.
2. Romantic Relationships
Fact-checking can make partners feel unheard or dismissed. For example, someone sharing a personal thought might feel invalidated if the response focuses on whether their statement was “correct” rather than meaningful.
3. Emotional Safety
Constant correction can feel like being “combed through with a fine-tooth comb.” This scrutiny can create feelings of vulnerability and unsafety, especially in relationships where acceptance is key.
Balancing Connection and Accuracy
Instead of masking or suppressing fact-checking behaviors, focus on self-awareness and intentionality. Here’s how:
1. Reflect on Your Motivation
Ask yourself, “Am I prioritizing connection or correction right now?” Understanding your goal can help you decide whether to share or let it go.
2. Choose the Right Outlet
If you enjoy correcting or debating, channel this energy into spaces where it’s welcome, like online forums, trivia nights, or academic discussions.
3. Communicate Your Style
Let others know fact-checking is meaningful to you but ask for their boundaries. For example: “I love discussing details. Is it okay if I share my thoughts, or would you prefer I just listen?”
4. Find Balance
Practice letting small inaccuracies slide when connection is more important than correction. This can strengthen relationships and build trust.
The Harm of Masking and the Power of Self-Awareness
Suppressing natural autistic traits to fit in—known as masking—can lead to increased rates of depression, anxiety, and burnout among autistic individuals. Instead of masking, self-awareness allows us to honor our needs while understanding the impact of our behaviors on others.
As Maya Angelou said, “We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike.” By embracing our strengths and respecting boundaries, we can foster deeper, more meaningful connections.
Cultural Influences on Connection and Correction
Growing up in a collective culture, like my Mexican American upbringing, taught me to value connection over correction. In my family, being wrong was okay because the focus was on togetherness. By contrast, individualistic cultures often prioritize accuracy and debate, which can feel isolating for autistic individuals. Understanding these cultural differences can help us navigate relationships with compassion and awareness.
If you’re feeling frustrated by these dynamics or struggling to navigate relationships, I can help. Whether you’re dealing with fact-checking in friendships, relationships, or within yourself, we’ll work together to develop tools that promote self-awareness and connection.
Reach out to me today to explore ways to embrace your authentic self while fostering stronger relationships. Together, we can create a life where you feel valued and understood.