Living with Pathological Demand Avoidance: Let’s Get Real
Alright, let’s cut the bullshit. As someone with ADHD and autism, I’ve got parts of me that are rebellious little hell-raisers. Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)—or as I like to call it, the Pervasive Drive for Autonomy. This part of me is like an unhinged kid who’s finally free to yell, “Fuck this! I’m not doing your dumb shit anymore!” It’s the ultimate middle finger to society’s endless demands.
When this part takes over, it’s chaos. My room? A disaster zone. Clothes everywhere. Administrative work? Nope. I need the money to eat, and this part would still be like, “Fuck it. I’d rather sleep under a bush and daydream about being a feral raccoon.” It’s not laziness; it’s survival. This is my brain’s way of flipping off the relentless grind of capitalism. And let’s be real: This grind started before we even took our first breath. Society starts dumping expectations on us from the womb. Are you a boy? A girl? What are your parents dreaming you’ll be? All of that shapes who we’re supposed to become. Add neurodivergence or trauma to the mix, and it’s like living life on hard mode. It’s fucking exhausting.
Why PDA Feels Like a Rebellion
● Demands Everywhere: Even shit I like doing becomes unbearable the second it’s expected of me. It’s like a cosmic joke.
● Sensory Fuckery: Picture this: You’re trying to focus, and someone walks in with a fish sandwich. Now the smell has hijacked your brain, and your motivation is officially dead.
● Emotional Screw-You Energy: PDA isn’t just about dodging tasks; it’s a war cry for autonomy. That defiant part of me? It’s saying, “Hell no, I’m not doing that.”
Intersectionality and the Extra Shit We Deal With
If you’re a person of color, have severe disabilities, or carry multiple marginalized identities, the struggle hits different:
● Cultural Expectations: Marginalized folks are constantly told to prove their worth in a world that’s rigged against them. Fuck that!
● Sensory and Mental Load Overload: Add in sensory disorders, mental health conditions, or trauma, and it’s like trying to juggle knives on a tightrope.
● Relationship Pressures: Masking to meet neurotypical standards or keeping up with social demands? It’s a one-way ticket to burnout city.
How to Work With Your PDA, Not Against It
Here’s how I’ve learned to stop fighting this rebellious little firecracker inside me:
● Let the Inner Rebel Speak: What does this part of you actually need? Rest? Freedom? Sometimes it just needs to say “Fuck this” and take a break.
● Shrink the Demands: Break shit into tiny steps. Putting one sock away counts as a win.
● Control Your Environment: Block out sensory distractions when you’re teetering on the edge.
● Reframe “No” as Self-Respect: Saying no isn’t lazy. It’s honoring your boundaries.
Call to Action: Burn the System Down (Metaphorically...Maybe)
This capitalist, ableist grind doesn’t serve us, and it’s time to fight back—together:
● Demand Better: Workplaces, schools, healthcare—they need to stop being bullshit factories and start respecting our humanity.
● Uplift Marginalized Voices: Let’s center the stories of BIPOC, disabled, and neurodivergent folks. Their lived experiences are the truth this world needs to hear.
● Create Accessible Spaces: From sensory-friendly rooms to flexible deadlines, let’s make this world livable for everyone.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Holy shit, that’s me,” then let’s connect. You don’t have to keep fighting this battle alone. Therapy or coaching can help you own your fuck this energy and channel it into something powerful. Your defiance is valid, your no matters, and your messy, beautiful self deserves peace.